Drink Meth Coffee fresh!

Experiment with coffee at your own risk!

• COFFEE STORAGE
• THE GRIND
• H20 SELECTION
• BREWING METHODS
• The Press Pot
• The Coffee Sock
• The Cone and Filter
• Cowboy Coffee
• The Cold Water Method
• The Coffee Enema
• The Blender
• Caffiene Overdose

 

 

COFFEE STORAGE

They tell you to store beans in the refrigerator or freezer but they LIE! THEY LIE! IT'S A GOVERNMENT PLOT! The fridge and freezer will leech the flavor from your coffee. Keep your Meth bag zipped up tight like a cat's asshole and store it in a dry place away from sunlight and extreme cold and heat.

THE GRIND

Pre-ground Meth Coffee works with most coffee brewing methods. Or try buying whole beans and grind your own. A burr grinder provides the best consistency. If you want to brew espresso, Turkish coffee or the like, buy Meth Coffee in whole beans and grind to a super fine powder. The same goes for some other experimental preparations mentioned here.

WATER SELECTION

Use tasty, cold, filtered water. Not distilled. For brewing without a stove or electrical appliances, boil water, remove from boil, count to ten, then brew.

COFFEE TO WATER RATIO

Brew a powerful cup! Use two (2) or more tablespoons of coffee per six (6) ounces of water.

 

 

BREWING METHODS

 
   THE PRESS POT  
 
Skill required: Very little
Strength: Medium-to-strong (easily adjustable)
Equipment needed: 1 press pot, also called a French Press, with a glass carafe (don't use plastic, it leaves a plastic taste). Bodum's equipment brews nicely.
The Roaster's rating: 10
Advantages: A smooth cup. Equipment is cheap. Preparation time is fast
Disadvantages: Some grounds make it into your cup; coffee does not stay hot for long, so suck it down fast!
The press pot has been around since the 1850s and delivers the richest paper-free taste you can get with very little effort. Because the press pot does not have a heating element to keep coffee warm, it is not a good preparation method for coffee drinkers seeking self immolation. Sorry.

Instructions:
  Remove the plunger and top from your press pot and put at least one tablespoon of medium-course ground coffee into the pot for every 4-ounces of water you will be using. If you ordered Meth Coffee ground, it should work well with your press pot. I personally fill the press pot 1/4th full with coffee.   Heat cold, filtered water. You can use a microwave, a pot on a stove, etc.   Remove water from heat when it starts boiling, and wait for the bubbles to stop (a few seconds). Pour water into your pot.   Stir the grounds and coffee together, then place the plunger and lid on top (don't plunge yet!) so the hot air doesn't escape the pot.   Let coffee mixture sit for 3-4 minutes. Plunge and pour.   A few grounds will have made it into your cup. If you want to avoid grounds, wait a bit for them to settle. Avoid the last 1/8th of your cup--that's where grounds will be waiting.  

 

  THE COFFEE SOCK
 
Skill required: Keeping a sock open while pouring hot water. Don't do this alone!
Strength: Strong, easily adjustable
Equipment needed: One (1) sock, preferably cotton. Try wool for a taste alternative
The Roaster's rating: 4
Advantages: Unique flavor! Fewer grounds in cup.
Disadvantages: Fibers may not compliment the coffee flavor
Instructions:
  Wash your socks. Preferred sock has not been used on body parts other than feet.   Fill clean sock with ground coffee.   Strain heated water thru sock. Mmmmm.  

 

    THE CONE AND FILTER 
 
Skill required: None
Strength: Weak-to-medium
Equipment needed: One (1) plastic cone, one (1) paper filter
The Roaster's rating: 3
Advantages: Fast! Cheap equipment. Fewer grounds in cup.
Disadvantages: Not a true Meth Coffee experience, but works if all else fails. Filter and plastic cone may impart papery-plasticky flavor.
Instructions:
  Put coffee into a filter-lined cone   Pour heated water through cone.  

 

 COWBOY/GIRL COFFEE
 
What good is a cup of coffee if you can't chew it? Cowboy coffee is a hearty, visceral experience all Meth drinkers should try once that'll send your skin crawling for cover. This is a good time to experiment.
Skill required: Ability to use stove.
Strength: Powerful
Equipment needed: Sauce pan.
The Roaster's rating: 8
Advantages: Easiest preparation. Interesting texture! Disadvantages: Difficult to dispense; boiling beans makes them more bitter
Instructions:
  This brew method is great for camping or hiding in the basement. The higher your altitude, the more coffee you will need in your brew. May take some trial-and-error.   Put two (2) or more tablespoons of ground coffee into a sauce pan for every six (6) ounces of coffee you would like to make   Pour cold water into sauce pan   Heat until almost boiling   Let grounds settle to the bottom of the pan before serving *
* Adding egg shells to the water may speed the settling of the coffee grounds. Cowboys did this all the time.
 

 

    THE COLD WATER METHOD 
 
If your stomach is sensitive to acidity in coffee, this is the best brewing method for you. Replace hot water in this recipe with any other hot liquid for interesting variations. Milk is one alternative.
Skill required: Ability to pour.
Strength: Medium
Equipment needed: Glass pitcher or other glass container you can pour from; a cheesecloth.
The Roaster's rating: 8
Advantages: Smooooth as ice. Less acidity.
Disadvantages: Must wait overnight. Not as intense as a strong dose of press pot.
Instructions:
  Place 10 ounces (one bag of Meth Coffee) into six (6) cups of cold water; a pitcher is a good container for this   Wait 12 hours or overnight for steeping   Pour through a cheesecloth filter into another container, preferably another pitcher or something that also has a pouring spout. The resulting coffee will be highly concentrated. Pour 1-2 ounces into six ounces of hot water and serve.  

 

  THE COFFEE ENEMA 
 
Skill required: Psychological malfunction. Physical fortitude.
Strength: The most powerful, and potentially lethal, way to ingest coffee
Equipment needed: An enema kit; brewed Meth coffee (lukewarm)
The Roaster's taste rating: I have not tried this, but others have and did not fare very well.
Advantages: Said to have cleansing effects on gut, but these benefits are not verifiable and may not outweigh the risks
Disadvantages: May cause extreme anxiety, jitters, heart palpitations, and other serious side effects
Instructions:
  Brew coffee, French Press works well, but you may want to strain it   Let coffee sit at room temperature for one hour; it should be lukewarm   Pour brewed coffee into the enema bag   Follow instructions that come with your enema kit. Lift those knees!  

 

THE BLENDER
 
Skill required: Ability to pour and blend
Strength: Very strong
Equipment needed: Bartender-strength blender or stronger.
The Roaster's rating: 7
Advantages: Highly charged substance!
Disadvantages: Unpredictable effects on digestive system and psychology
Instructions:
  Place two (2) tablespoons of ground Meth Coffee and six (6) cups of heated water into blender   Blend   Serve thick and unfiltered. Chew as needed.
 

 

DEATH BY COFFEE — CAFFEINE OVERDOSE
 
Overdose symptoms, in case you need them: restlessness, nervousness, excitement, insomnia, flushed face, dieresis, gastrointestinal disturbance, muscle twitching, rambling flow of thought and speech, tachycardia or cardiac arrhythmia, periods of inexhaustibility, psychomotor agitation, anorexia, tremors, restlessness, nausea, vomiting.
Serious intoxication symptoms: delirium, seizures, supraventricular and ventricular tachyarrhythmias, hypokalemia, and hyperglycemia.
Lethal dosage:
  This varies from individual to individual according to weight. In cups of coffee a lethal dosage varies from 50 to 200 cups of coffee. However, smaller doses have been lethal. The minimum lethal dose ever reported was 3.2 grams of caffeine taken intravenously. Don't shoot up!
In small children ingestion of 35 mg/kg can lead to moderate toxicity. The amount of caffeine in an average cup of coffee is 50 - 200 mg. Infants metabolize caffeine very slowly.